Well, Patrick and I are long over, but all is well. He and I are both busy as hell and I guess we're trying to bridge a gap between us. I'd like to bridge that gap, because he is one of very, very few people I can relate to. He's been through the same thing I'm going through right now. IE- rapid gain and loss of all your best friends because of an age difference.
I have been dating Martin for the past seven weeks, and it's been a mental odyssey. He and I are a good match. He embodies everything I wanted in a guy and a few things I didn't even know I wanted in a guy until he came along. My friends, family, and cat all think he's great. It's kind of silly, though. He calls my mom 'Mom' and she calls him 'son.' More about him in later posts. There is quite a lot to say.
There's too much drama going on. My friends are full of bullshit, most of which is misery they make up so they have a reason to do trendy things like cutting themselves. I used to cut, I won't lie to you, but I only cut in really tough times. This is just...crazy.
One of them in particular bothers me. She complains about having no friends and when anyone offers a friendly hand, she spits in it, then resumes whining and bawling about how she has no friends. It's very annoying. She does have friends, but that's not to say they don't constantly get annoyed or burdened with/by her. I've given up. If she insists on treating us all like shit, fine. If she wants to monger drama and nonsense and make us stress out over her, fine.
I really do feel awful for harbouring these nasty thoughts of her, but by the same, she deserves it.
My Faceparty site is getting a lot of hits, mostly from UK lads. Odd.
Don't think I've posted anything on my personal life lately, but here goes. I broke up with my boyfriend ages ago because of two things: 1. A lack of romantic interest in him. 2. A growing mutual interest for a guy whom I came into contact with in December, but have had my eye on since August.
There was a party closing night of "Once Upon a Mattress." He was there, I was there. By the end of the night, we were snogging. I felt horribly guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere as it was. I ended it with my boyfriend the next morning, and we're still friends.
Patrick is a great guy, but it's just a bad time for him right now. He's really busy. We're busy with the same things. We've agreed that when things calm down, we'll be together. Until then, we're good friends. I still have faith in love.
Last night I put my pic on my Faceparty site (please visit and tell me what you think, URL below*) Today I got a hit from a British lad. He said he'd go out on a date with me, but he's in the UK, so he said "if you want to be my penpal my email is blah blah blah..."
Maybe I should put my pic up on Tblog...Haha.
Well, I looked at his profile, and it's not that detailed. Nothing about who he really is, just PIMP.
What I really love is that neither of us have our real ages on our sites. Mine says 78 and his says 97. XD
I've been really busy with musicals at my school lately, so I've not updated since November. New boyfriend, but no really strong connection. I can't see us growing old together like I can with The Lad. The Lad has ignored me for the past two weeks, but that ended this morning and we're just as tight as ever.
Anyway, so I've concluded that the people that preach about love have no fucking idea what it is. A remarkable assortment of people tell me that the man I'm in love with doesn't love me. Odd, because he and the people that know us say he does love me.
These people that say these things don't know ANYTHING about matters of the heart. There's one girl that I had to tell off (I'm usually FAR too placid to tell anyone off, but this just irked me so...) and this is what I said:
Talk to me when you've had more than four relationships in your whole life. Talk to me when you've been in an abusive relationship. Talk to me when you've been cheated on. Talk to me when you've had to tell someone that loves you that you will never love them back. Talk to me when you've woken up with the title of "This Guy's Girlfriend" and gone to bed that night with the title of "Some Other Guy's Girlfriend." Talk to me when you've kissed a new guy every football game in a season and one of the kisses meant just as much to you then as it does now: everything. Talk to me when you've stared at the same sky with three different guys and the most beautiful, red sunset with the least meaningful guy meant nothing, yet you will always cherish a lame, yellow-and-grey sunset with the love of your life. Talk to me when you've liked a guy for years and when you finally kiss him, it means nothing. Talk to me when you like someone so much you won't even admit it to yourself and it all erupts at once, but it's all fine, because he's felt exactly the same way. Talk to me when a relationship ended, and even though you were sad, you were relieved because you were feeling exactly the same way about your future: it would be with that person. Talk to me when your friends have ruined so many relationships...except the only one that would ever matter. Talk to me when you've found a love, or a lover, that will change your life forever for the better. Talk to me when you'd give up your morals, your beliefs on a particular thing and not feel a shred of guilt because you know it's all completely right and meant to happen. Talk to me when you've found a love that will change your views on love forever. Talk to me when it took you two heartbreaks to get over one guy for good. And finally... Talk to me when you know that love never has and never will DISCRIMINATE by age or by anything else.
Forget modern nature; this is how it's meant to be.
I hate how apparent it's becoming that man is a selfish species.
Here's what led me to that conclusion: People are quite often openly jealous of emotions and relationships. I know one girl who gets really pissed off when two people she know hook up, she says she's "madly in love" with the guy, convolutes the truth a thousand different ways to make it look like she was severely wronged, and uses her fake pent-up sorrow to rally the support of her friends. The relationships have NOTHING to do with her and if she really loved the guy and was a true friend, she'd let them be. Chances are she's not going to love him forever and the two aren't going to be together forever, so she should just let it slide.
And before I was with my inamorato, I knew she liked him, so I actually approached her and asked her if it was okay with her. She said it was, so we went ahead with it. She started being a bitch to me and trying to threaten me.
Here's the rhetorical question that puts everything into perspective: Why didn't anyone stop to think that I also really liked him from day one?
What irks me is how fickle she is. She does this EVERY SINGLE TIME a girl she knows gets a boyfriend. She did it to me and said she would have killed me if she weren't going to go to jail for it. She hasn't taken it that far with anyone else, but yeah...whatever.
She and I are cool now, but she's doing this to my best friend and taking things too far.
Well, despite the fact that we broke up, he's acting like we're together again. And by this, I mean he's hugging me and kissing me again. We talk a lot more than we used to, also.
It sounds so weird, but it feels so right.
Friends keep saying "Sandra, you and your boyfriend look REALLY cute together." (How silly does that sound, anyway?) And I feel kind of silly for saying this, but I have to say "Well, he's not 'officially' my boyfriend."
Apparently in this society, there are five things a guy can be: Nothing/Crush. (Either you don't know him at all/never heard of him or you admire him from afar) Friend. Friend with benefits/Fuck Buddy. Boyfriend/Fiancee. Husband.
Aside from not agreeing with the principle of it, it doesn't describe me and him right now. He is so much more than a crush. Friends...well yes we are friends, but that's only one aspect of it. A fuck buddy is too cheap and tawdry (and once again, physical intimacy isn't all we have.) He's not an official boyfriend and we aren't married. However, one day when looking around on dictionary.com, I found a word to describe him.
inamorato: man with whom someone is in love
And that works just fine for me.
Hah. He and I were together outside the other day and Estlin comes up, sees me and goes, "Sandrakins!" Then she saw him, apparently didn't know who he is, and went "Who are YOU?" He answered, "Uh...Jim." Since that was CLEARLY not his name, she asked me "OK, who is HE?" I told her and she just nodded. "Okay, I'm gonna go find my boyfriend. Later."
The boyfriend and I broke up. He sees us together in the long run, so he broke up with me now. It's kinda silly. He and I both agree that this is an important time in our lives for dating, but he thinks we should go out with other people until he "grows up" and "makes all the big mistakes with other people." I can understand the latter.
He said he still wants to be really good friends, and we were for two days, but then he started ignoring me. I can handle losing boyfriends, but losing best friends is something I can never get over.
I never try to get over it. Even if I did, I'd just be wasting my energy.
Sigh. Well, Tommy and Harry are still around. Not for a romance, mind you (though Harry and I still like each other to a degree), but as friends.
On Halloween/Samhain, I went to a friend's party. She said she talked to Harry the other day, asking if he still liked me and thought about me, and he said "Duh" and "It's kind of hard not to." Hmm. I think about him a lot. Recent events reminded me of him. It's kind of stupid,
I talked to Tommy the other day. He really tried to avoid the subject of Harry and it was really obvious. He's gotten even more racist and it is so annoying. I'm glad he found some other girl to gush over and write cheesy songs about.
Really.
Well there's more drama and bullshit for your everyday life. This is Cassandra Fender, signing off.
PS- "Konstantine" by Something Corporate and "Brown-eyed girl" by Van Morrison are great.
Anyway, I got a new boyfriend and a new love for Latin. I've always liked languages and have always been good at them, but Latin's just great. And biology. I like biology too. So shoot me for being nerdy.
My obsession with Brand New's music has resurfaced. "Okay, I believe you, but my tommy gun don't."
Oh come on.
Nightmares Lies Confusion Tears
Just some shit we know too well.
I'm happy, but by the same token, very insane. My mom is threatening me again, no later than when we have reconciled.
"Your tongue is a rudder that steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, keeps em safe behind your teeth."
Anyhow, I guess I've fallen again. It's kind of like this: ::quotes Savage Garden:: I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life.
Let's call him John (like John Galt. Who is John Galt? "Atlas Shrugged" -Ayn Rand)
I don't know if it's him I want, or just a guy very similar to him. Either would be great. I think he is a very nice guy. He's...oh how to put this? Ethereal. I sometimes wonder if he's real or if I just want him to be real. I certainly hope he is, even if we never end up together. He's still a great amigo. We have a lot in common; very similar lives.
He has to be real. I can't take any more bad news.
What's more, I can never tell anyone. Two other people know, and they are all who can know.
"I thought love at our age was impossible...and then she came along." -John
I thought so too. Then there was Tab. I mean, some would say we're too young to know love, but in some cultures, I'd have been married ten years ago. What the hell was I even doing ten years ago? Watching TV? Wearing ugly clothes? Sitting? Not being a stress ball?
Hmm. Tab and John have something in common. Their real names are similar and they're both great pals. And something else that I hesitate to mention... If you need to know that badly, I'll tell you.
See ya.
Sandra
PS- My sister is coming down from NYC for Thanksgiving. That is what I am thankful for.
Phew. Been busy. Just to lightly explain how busy I was all week, the earliest I got home was around seven. I usually get home at five.
Yeah. Kind of lame. Seven isn't that late, but it is when you have been out and on your feet since six that morning.
What have I been doing? A) Busting my ass for class. B) Working on theatre stuff. C) Somehow balancing clubs with class and the upcoming carnival in which I am trying to 1. create and 2. find inexpensive glowsticks for. D. Going to football games. I went to two on Thursday night and one Friday/last night. Both were good. I'll explain that a but further down.
For the Carnie Convention (aka Carnival Committee) I'm just trying to pitch ideas for what to do at said carnival. Some are saying "Let's do a dunking booth!" Others say "Let's pie the staff!" And since it is supposed to be a faery/Medieval theme, I like the stocks. Could it be simply because I am into Medieval torture? Maybe. Also, I much prefer the Middle Ages to dunking people in their middle ages into water just for "fun." It's not really entertaining. And pie-ing is a waste of a perfectly erotic cream pie. Did I say erotic? I meant to say edible. Whoopsie me.
Thursday: My friends told me there was a game Thursday night. Well, not "told" so much as asked me if I was going to the game. The dead giveaway that I live under a rock is that I said, "What game?" So they dragged me to it. Little did I know Javey (a friend of my friend Michael's) was going to be there. I hadn't seen him since spring and I wasn't entirely sure he knew who I was. He was sitting with my crew so I sat there. I said, "Hey you look familiar. Are you Michael's friend, too?" He said yeah and asked if I was "that chick with Michael at the fields that one night." I said I was and then we just started talking about stuff (and by "we" I mean the crew, me, and Javey.)
Then a little while later, he petted my leg with his foot. Odd, because earlier that day a guy that is trying to find me a "perfect man" tried to feel me up. I would think it was unusual if he didn't invite me into the backseat of his car twice before. It was still creepy. I usually get fed up, not felt up.
Yeah yeah. The team won the first game, Javey and the other guys in the crew had to go change into their uniforms for the next game, and the rest of the crew just hung out in the bleachers. One of the players' brothers came up to our little nook and said some other girls and I were hot. What a stupid connotation. When someone is hot, they are usually sweaty, red-faced, and stinky. Not very boner-inspiring or titillating (no pun intended. Really.)
Didn't even watch Javey's game. The crew and I went to another field and did flips, cartwheels, and one girl pole-danced on a football goal.
Friday: Hung out with a new really awesome friend (Julia) and a guy we know and whom our friend Catherine likes. His name is Calvin and he's nice. Very family-oriented. In fact, he's engaged. Aww. He was like "I want to be an in-home translator so I can spend time with my wife." Jules made him say "spend time with my wife" over and again. It was really sweet. We're both happy for him and support him 120%. Everyone else is saying he's too young. Well, what about the girls who get married at fourteen? He's substantially older than fourteen. I've seen the two of them together and they are obviously in love.
Okay, so the game: Got there and saw Catherine and a girl I hadn't seen since eighth grade. Some other people, including Javey, arrived later. Javey didn't notice me right off but headed over eventually. Yay. Poledance girl poledanced again. She was ignoring her boyfriend. Hmm. She calls him her boyfriend, yet doesn't pay much attention to him. It's really obvious and annoying. OH and one guy I have known since I was three was making out with a girl from one of my classes. He calls her his girlfriend but says he doesn't want to date her, just to make out with her. Siiiigh. Javey and I talked again. This time for longer and our crews merged again. Good times. Good times. Watched the halftime show and then went back to ignoring the game entirely. Met Javey's friend (Javey introduced me as "my lacrosse chick buddy." How nice.)His friend was giving me the stare to which the phrase "I'm up here" applies, if you catch my drift. I was trying to make eye-contact with him and he was blatantly staring at the graphic on my shirt.
Oh and when the game was over a couple hours later, Javey came up to me and was like "Sandraaa" extending his arms like a hug, so I hugged him. Haha his friend was like "Javey you get more hugs in ten minutes than I do in a year! Damn you!"
Well mister, maybe if you made eye contact instead of shirt contact (or just asked for hugs...jeez) you'd get some lovin', too!
Peace, love, and a huge hug. Tee hee.
Indecent exposure and other funny goings-on of my life
-Harry and I had to break up on Tuesday because his mom doesn't like me. (She has never met me. She just said "Girls like Sandra are bad news" and since he lives with his mom and is at her mercy, he had to obey.)
-I was at the campus for fifteen hours on Friday for my regular classes, my audition, and the concert (which was AWESOME.) I got to know a guy in my journalism class better (Bobby) and saw Estlin with a guy I know from my history block (Solomon? Something like that. Maybe something Turkish.) So I talked to them for a bit.
-There are three people in my journalism class with similar names: Cassidy, Casey, and me (Cassandra.) The instructor gets Cassidy and Casey confused because they sit at the same table (even though Cassidy is a girl and Casey is a guy.) It doesn't help that Casey and I are next to each other alphabetically (Edelman and Fender.)
-I found out this morning that I didn't get a part in the play. However, the theatre department still wants me on the competitive team and to do crew work. I like crew and I LIVE for plays and competitions. I love live performance. I think it'll all work out.
-Casey (who gave me his $25 Borders gift card from which I got Rammstein "Live aus Berlin" and The Who "The Who Sell Out") unbuttoned his pants and showed me something today... Not his manhood. The front of his boxers. Ooh...red plaid sexyness. Hahaha! Then he was like, "Psst, Sandra, that's our little secret." I said, "LITTLE secret is right! Just kidding." Tee hee.
-A little while later, he started jumping round, shaking and grabbing his ass. He stuck it in one guy's face. It was really odd, but kind of amusing in that I'm-going-to-be-scarred-f or-life kind of way.
-The Mothership and I are going to my campus tonight so she can meet my deranged instructors. Tee hee.
A tout a l'heure. Ciao. Arrivederce (can't spell it.) Adios. Toodley-boodleys (Marie said that.) BYE!
PS: I have started writing a new novel based on my life as well as the lives of some close friends. It should be on a website near you soon and on a link on my left sidebar. Peas and carrots.
Long story short, he saw something in my AIM profile which said "I need a frog prince like ***** or $$$$$$." Below it it said, "The first person to guess who they are wins $5," so he was like "Me and...someone. Right?" I told him no, but later I put it in my profile that hw could be one if he wanted to be (jokingly at first.) He saw it and said "Ooo" and wanted to be a frog prince. However, he didn't know exactly what a frog prince is. "Do you want to know?" "Yes. Let me guess. Don't tell me." "Okay." "Chicken poo?" "Haha no." "Oh okay. Gimme a hint." "More than friends, but not married." "Porn stars?" "Hahaha closer, but no." "I give up." "Well...a frog prince is Estlin's and my term for boyfriend." "Oohh...awesome." "So...do you still want to be my frog prince? Lol." "Let me think." "Okay."
I'm back at school. I like it, to a degree. I've met some new people that I really dig. Let's see...there was a girl I've known of the past three years whom I just got acquainted with. Shelley is her name. She's Latina like me. I was walking around with her when we went to get schedules and things, talking about how many new guys there were, and I said to her, "Well if you meet any cool drummer guys, tell me, cos my band needs a drummer." "I drum," says this green-eyed guy from nowhere. Hmm... "Would you drum for an all-girl rock band?" "Sure. I'm Rabbit." *handshake* Shelley and I laugh. "That your real name?" "Haha no. My real name is Kevin." "Ah. Awesome. I'm Cassandra and this is Shelley." "Heya." We started walking around the campus and just talking about everything and nothing. It was great.
Went to theatre, journalism, media technology, and English. Theatre was kind of dull. The teacher isn't really "colourful" like my old teacher. Then again, she has been in a leg cast since January.
Journalism...oh my god. I love it! We haven't done any real work yet, but the teacher is very realistic. She knows how we talk and she talks like we do. This year, the instructors are required to teach the handbook and her section to teach is dress code. She went over everything with humour. For example, "no visible undergarments are permissible" was presented as, "Girls, no thongs. PLEASE. Ditto guys and no boxers or pants past your asscrack. You show me your underwear, I show you mine...muahaha."
Media tech was great too. Rabbit is in my class and so is a guy I hung out with a bit in seventh grade. Seems like eons ago but in relation to other events, it isn't so far back. This girl my mom and I have a perma-grudge with is in it as well as a guy I've known no less than forever. The teacher is great. He's also very laid-back. Seems like he's lenient where leniency is acceptable. No-bullshit attitude, which I like. He's funny. And competent! He knows what he is teaching! He worked in TV for over 20 years.
However, I wish the same could be said about my English/Literature teacher. She mispronounces everything and, mentally, I correct her grammar a lot. I'm not trying to sound supercilious or anything, but it's always been a habit of mine to mentally correct improper grammar. Blame it on my wanting to be with my mom when she was watching CNN. Seriously. That's all she did when I was small.
The second day...
Biology. What a joy. Estlin is in my biology block! Woohoo! A couple of her friends are in as well, so we all sit together. The teacher...strict, but very humourous. There is one guy in the class I think is very good-looking. He looked like a guy I knew in eighth grade. They both have unusual names (and the same eyes and nose), so they might just be brothers. Hmm.
Latin was good. Grudge Girl is in my block, so that's not great. A girl I knew when I was quite a bit younger (first grade) is in as well. Same for another girl I was kind of friends with in eighth grade. Other than that, not a whole lot. The teacher doesn't really present useful information. She's shown us the Pledge of Allegiance, but not how to say "yes" and "no." Sigh.
The rest of the day was a blur, so fast forward to Friday.
Theatre: got mugshots for portfolios and made our resumes. Journalism: Messed around, observed new guys, hung out with an old friend. Media Tech: The teacher talked about stuff in the news, Pavlov's dog, and then Rabbit, GrudgeGirl, some others, and I talked. English: Made new guy friends that are awesome. The room is kind of divided. The girls and one guy are on one side, the guys and I are on the other. It's kind of like a yin-yang. Also, very easy to make friends on my side of the room. The reason I don't sit with the girls is that they seem stuck up. It's just not my kind of place. I sit by the window with Marie's ex, a guy I used to hate but am now friends with, and some guys I MUST get to know better... One guy asked if I was from the 'hood. Kind of. I lived in Chicago for a while and what used to be sheltered suburban bliss is now 'hood, so yes, I did live in the 'hood. Hmm...at various points in the block I caught him looking at me. I sit kind of in front of him, so it wouldn't take tremendous effort to be caught in his periphery. However, he had his head turned in my direction when I turned to pop my back. God only knows what that could mean. Haha.
Oh well. I don't devote all my time to figuring out the male psyche. I observe, but I don't take it much past that.
There's lots more, but I can't think of it all right now. It involves something kind of big between me, Tommy, and Harry. Something to do with our "history."
8/13 11:21 AM (I just woke up like half an hour ago, really sad.)
Sorry I haven't really had anything interesting to say. I've just been depressed. What is the point of blogging if you are only feeling one way about things?
Hence the Quizilla! results. I'd never done it before.
The POINT
Last night I was up talking to...hmm...well he's not actually my cousin, not a love interest, definitely not a brother or daddy figure...a really close friend. We stayed on until about one talking about nothing short of everything.
He, Estlin, and Marie are the only people in this world I can even think to trust. However, Estlin sometimes passes judgment on me or calls me pessimistic. It's true, I am a pessimist when I'm upset, but I don't need someone to label me; I need someone to talk to. Maybe get some advice if I can't think of my own. And Marie...sigh. She'll just tell me not to die and be all "I'm sowwy." But it sounds really phony and it's upsetting.
It's like everyone can spill their guts to me and I have this huge gut collection (metaphorically speaking), but I have guts of my own to dump on the world. You've heard/read me saying/typing it, but it bears repeating. Very few of my geographically close friends listen and even fewer of them care. I listen and if I don't care, I at least try to make it seem like I do.
Anyway, we got very deep into discussion about the future. We both wanna own a bar/club and a coffeehouse. We'd play at our coffeehouses and have "Battles of the Bands" in our bars. It's eerie how we think alike. You know, musicians wanting to own coffeehouses and bars, having the whole world spill its guts on us, being depressed a lot of the time, et cetera.
We look into people's eyes a lot, too. I didn't tell him about Tab, though. How Tab has these amazing eyes I could drown in. I don't know how many times I have rambled on abou Tab's eyes, but they are truly magnificent. Big and hazel. Deep. Colourful. Beautiful. It's like I make eye contact with him once and I never want to break it cos Goddess and God only know when I'll get to see those eyes again.
Sigh. I wake up to disappointment, live for anticipation, and fall asleep alone again.
Well, not like I'm sleeping with anyone, but I just wish I weren't so alone in the daytime. Or even if people were online instead of away when they are signed in. It's stupid.
If you can't beat the system, beat them at their own game.
my Simple Plan lad Seb Lefebvre is your guy. You'd be a perfect match for Seb because you are cautious when it comes to high-adrenaline fun. You'd rather cuddle up with your cutie and watch your fav episode of The Simpsons.
my Colour you are Red Red is associated with passionate love, sex, great energy, impulse, action and stimulation, assertivity and aggression, courage, strength and power, adventure, danger, warnings, revolt and revolution. Temperamental and ambitious people with a need for personal freedom.
I'm a bitch! (my breed of dog) You are a Siberian Husky! Your sweet and fun loving. You can't get enough of the people you love. But you can be a little mean sometimes.
WOOHOO! I do love that song. your blink song is miss you! Thats pretty cool! If you liked this quiz or even if you didnt you can message me! If your a guy thats even better!
Which BLink 182 song are you? brought to you by Quizilla I guess that's true You are normal! You have issues but nothing big, and you have plenty of friends to keep you alive. You don't want to be a prep and you don't want to be a goth, you are plenty happy where you are now. You are loyal and trustworthy and are quite clever. You enjoy hanging out with friends and talking online... and since you're stuck in the middle of the social ladder, you have to maintain your composure so you stay right where you are!
Grr I'm a sexy beast! You're the Tiger! You are very independent and can do fine on your own. It annoys you to repeat things over and over or be told obvious informations. If anyone ever crosses you they will pay.
Goes well with the Horse, and rabbit. Is annoyed with the Flea, bear cub,and fish.
I'm not a male, but hey You are a bronze dragon! You are the biggest of the males, and generally you are the only one who gets to mate with the queen. You are an excellent leader. Your human partner is likely to be a Wingleader or even Weyrleader, the person in charge of the entire Weyr, and you are the mate of the senior queen. You are respected by the lower colors, and if you are the Weyrleader's dragon you are always obeyed, unless the queen contradicts you. Since queens are relatively uncommon, you are widely considered by humans the best dragon to be paired with.
There's Something There... You two definitely have some chemistry developing...Just make sure not to push it too hard, or else your friendship might be ruined. Then again, since you both like each other, go ahead and take a chance...But not a huge one.
Ehh... My Bloody Valentine- All The Time In The World
Your theme song is mellow and spirited, perfect for a long day of relaxing. You know how to slow down and enjoy life for what it is, without getting stuck on the past or worrying about the future - good for you! Sometimes people may see you as lazy, but they'll never get the same pleasures out of life as you do.
What's Your Theme Song? brought to you by Quizilla Well we all knew it...and why the HELL is it so cool to replace S with Z? Iz a pain in the azz if you azk me. You are a hopeless romantic, Your alwayz looking for love and always prepared to fall. You know the right one for you is out there, waiting for you to find them......
They'll remember me...yeah forget it. You are basically an average friend, not what you would call TOO THIS or TOO THAT, but try to be unique so your friends will remember you when you're all old grannies ^_^
Perfect girlfriend and perfect friend. Wow. I'm specialish. Your the perfect friend,your tight with your friends but not possesive.You and your best buds can still handle being apart though you really enjoy each others company. No matter what their always there for you and your always there for them.................Please rate my quiz
i may b coo but stop talkin lik a foo! DAMN YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO LAZY AND IGNORANT TO TYPE PROPERLY! IT IS ACCEPTABLE ON MESSENGER AND EMAIL BUT NOWHERE ELSE! Ahh I feel better now. U COO
1.You will marry him and produce five children, although one will be mentally retarded. You will be a house wife, and he wil own a music store. Your love for eachother is immense and nothing can bring you apart.
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss that never lessens and always blows your partner away like the first time.
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizilla BEAUTIFUL ICE PRINCESS/PRINCE .You need distance between you and your partner in your relationship. You are very difficult to get. You have big requirements and this one you love must try hard to get you. But after she/he melt your heart she/he will be the most happy person in the world. You need someone who shoes you that you are special and it makes you feel good to see that you are loved. She/He shall know that you could easily get another girl/boyfriend but you wont as long as you love him. when she/he hurts you you will hurt him too, but in general you dont get hurt. If your partner cheated you ,you would react cold and immediately (try to) forget him PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always message me or tell me how I can improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend.
Your: Mysterious eyes. All in the title. Your independant secretive and myseterious. You appear cold and distant, but hey, at leats no one messes with you.
You're Element is Water. You are soft and serene at most times but like Wind, you're scary when you're mad. You proabaly have a talent is singing and even your speaking voice is lovely. You have an innocent type of beauty that makes you look younger than you are and you like close relationships with people.
The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost in a good book, or giggling with my best friend, I live in a world apart, one full of adventure and wonder and other stuff adults don't understand.
You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what that can always mean, because it can be defined in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were the spirits of passed away people who are neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing when you expect it least. So hence, if you have a Lost Soul, then you are probably very insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box, you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont know your place. You seemingly dont have a place in society or an interest. You are a very capricious person, and are confused and frustrated about where you belong. You crave for the sense and feeling of home-but have not obtained it yet.
LSD! Wow what you must go through every day. LSD gives intense hallucinations and offen makes you think you can do things that no human can. I wouldn't try to pretend your a bird and play on top of a tall building anytime soon.
Punk! My kind of friend. You could care less what other ppl think of you. You want friends who like you for who you are and not what you have. I mean, sure, sometimes you stick fries up your nose, but thats ok. People love you because you crack them up immensly! Your amoung friends! Rate my quiz fellow Homie!
Mythological background: Because the turtle has a thick, solid shell that serves as protection - this animal is associated with stability. You enjoy intellectual pursuits. Also, in Feng Shui (the Chinese myths behind choosing a house), the black turtle's solidity is used to protect from cold northern winds.
Bear Spirit Calls To You ~ Bear is spirit keeper of the West, the place of darkness, maturity and good harvest. Bears are active during the night and day. This symbolizes its connection with solar energy, that of strength and power, and lunar energy, that of intuition. The bear holds the teachings of introspection. When it shows up in your life pay attention to how you think, act and interact.
Your Kagome! you like to hang out with your friends and are always the first person to volunteer to show a new student around, you are kind and giving and enjoy having a occasional sleep-over with the girls!
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have your electronics you feel you can cope. Time goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour, individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life, action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.
Your Personality type is the only type that would like this cool online gothic Game:
www.life-blood.vze.com
What kind of girl are you? brought to you by Quizilla Goth, goth, goth. Can anyone think of anything other than GOTH?! Yes I cut my arms, wear a fair amount of black, am clinically depressed, like Renaissance Europe, resemble a tortured artist…you know…if I were into ACTING somber all the time, making insane efforts to wear something flowy and black, wearing spikes, and showing no emotion, I could pass as one. But I’d rather just be me. I’m not going to act like anything to gain friends.
You are the Secretive Mermaid. Perpetual beauty that longs for legs to walk by the side of men. You spend your time gazing at the stars and whispering to the moon. You have little to no freinds that breathe. Your freinds all missing. You are sweet as syryp and kind as cake. There are a handful of people and mermaids like you. Would you rate my quiz I will keep it a secret?
Wow. I have taken every useful quiz on Quizilla.com’s Most Popular page. And I’ve decided to share my results with you, my fellow Internet wastoids! I mean that affectionately, not maliciously, for you know I love-ish you.
Damn. The party was cool, but Nick is such an ass. More about him later.
OK so from the top: Tess arrived at like six to help me clean off some of the chairs and shit on my back deck et cetera. Pretty simple. The real challenge was whacking the spiders off of the tables for the stereo (I'm arachnophobic and she refused to help me, even though that is why she came an hour early, to help me.) My mom was there making food and I asked her for a snot rag (aka an old towel) to whack it with. Problem is, I was on the back deck which is below the kitchen (my house is really weird) and the best way to communicate is through the window. I started pretending to whip something. She was like "What? I dooon't knooow what you are talking aboooout." So I made a spider with my hands and Tess smacked my spider, showing that I wanted to smash a spider. She still didn't get it, so I had to actually go inside and ask for a snot rag. She was like, "Oh. What ever for?" I scream, "TO WHACK A SPIDER!!" "Oh. Why didn't you say so?"
A little bit later, Estling shows up to finish helping set up. La de doo, disconnect a stereo, take it outside, reassemble it, bring out 30 of your best CDs, yamma yamma.
Mini-me shows up and we all start talking and stuff. It was cool and one by one more people arrive. Courtney, Taj, Andrea+Jessica (band), Estlin's mom (my mom decided to stick around and Ms. S. kept her company)...
Everyone's having fun eating, playfighting, chatting, sharing perverted jokes, et cetera. I called Marie cos she hadn't shown yet and she said she was going to, and she was like, "Oh it's tonight? Be right over." She lives about an eighth of a mile away, so that's convenient.
Taj is like, "Hey I don't know where Nick is." He thought he was calling Nick, but he was calling my house instead. Hee hee, duh. Guys: can't live with 'em, can't fornicate/procreate without 'em. Oh come on, deep down you know I'm funny.
Marie shows and everyone is still having fun with fart jokes, 7-layer bean dip, and what have you, but still no Nick. Taj calls again, but he still called my home phone!! DUUUH!
Everyone decided they were having four-year-old flashbacks so we went to the park. Nick called Estlin's cell phone and said he was on his way, he just needed directions. Gave him directions and Estling, Taj, and I linked arms and went up to wait for him. Everyone started coming up with us and Nick showed up about five minutes later. The first thing he said to Taj is, "Bro, Sandra is fucking tall, dude!" Wow that's original.
Nick got bored about thirty seconds later. Well, actually, he was just being boring. He thinks he's a badass, so he thinks the only good parties are keggers and strip parties. I went to go change shirts and when I came out, everyone was standing on the back railing of the deck. I asked what was up and they pointed at the pool down the hill. Nick had hopped the fence to go for a swim because he thinks he's a badass. None of us found it amusing. We were all like, "Uh...right."
Bear in mind that my mom and Ms. S. were lurking around the house and that everyone was making a big deal of standing on the back railing watching him. Mom was like, "Cass what the hell is going on out there?" At the time I didn't know and Estlin had just come in. She knew, but she didn't tell. Someone else did, but I don't know who.
La de da...
Ate cake, watched the Ring, and my phone kept ringing. Opened presents, got some stuff, then everyone left.
I've been working on this post forever (when I was doing other things, of course.) I'm just trying to wrap it up.
Yeah well today is the party day. Mom and I are going to Sams to get some last-few-hours party crap and hopefully make some kickass seven-layer bean dip.
I feel so bad. Tess and I were supposed to meet Taj and Nick at the movies to see "Saved!" and since Tess and I are too poor to afford cars (but I am a very good driver, thankyouverymuch), my mom was our ride. She looked in the paper about five minutes before departure and she was like, "Hey Cass, your movie isn't even there anymore." So I called up the theatre. It's true. It's been there a grand total of threeish days and they don't have it anymore. Fucking ridiculous. Called up the guys, but I guess they had already left. Yeeeah Taj might bite my head off at the sexy party. Oh well.
I have more urgent news. I got a picture site that you can see without having me email the albums to you! So forget my email address unless you want me to be your web-girlfriend or something. Haha no just kidding. I'm working on it right now, so maybe you can see pics of me later. I bet after all this time you wonder what I look like. Haha probably not. But for those of you that are like me, I have some pics of talented, good-looking musicians for you to swoon over. Tab is in one of the pictures, but I don't know if I'll put up the one of him. It's really good, I must say. It's black and white, but it still emphasizes the lightness of his eyes. Big, hazel eyes...drool. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Well I've started writing a new script called "Wednesday's Children." A Wednesday's child is obviously a child born on a Wednesday, but "Wednesday's child is full of woe." It's about dysfunctional teenagers who are part of a therapy group. Oddly enough, they all knew each other before the group formed. Most of them were already good friends with each other. The characters:
Melanie Castillo: Diagnosed with depression, suicidal, and her home life isn't much help. Creative to a fault and expresses her ideas well. However, no matter how hard she screams, no one ever listens. She goes to a foreign country on vacation and finds some pieces to the puzzle she calls her life. Katherine Huguenot: Mentally, she's fine. However, her lifestyle could stand to change. Sure her friends are worried, but they're too afraid to tell her. John Crawford: His dad hits him and his answer to everything is "fuck that shit." He acts like a badass so people will just leave him alone. Mary Capill: Her dad is a minister and the family supports him 110%. All of them except Mary. Mary is secretly bisexual, very artistic, and very depressed. But can she tell anyone? Yes, if she wants to be exorcised and grounded until she graduates. Until then, she cuts her arms and hopes to die.
Well I'm not completely done with the characters, but tell me what you think so far.
And in other news... Tess and I are going to see "Saved!" again at 4:45. This time, however, we are bringing Taj and Nick. Tess and I don't know Nick, but I've met him and talked to him on the phone. They're coming to my sexy party tomorrow. Come to think of it, Tess and Taj don't know each other so well, either. Oh well. It's a movie, so it's not like they have to talk or anything.
Sexy soiree tomorrow! Bring out the glowsticks and the stereo cos the stripper is comin' in fifteen! Did I say stripper? I meant to say...erm...fireman. Haha no fireman. Just being a dork.
Speaking of dork... I was on the phone with Taj most of the day and we have an inside joke. He, the band, and I went to the mall to see "13 going on 30" (we were gonna see "Van Helsing" but noooo they decided on that chick flick instead.) The band jetted right after the movie, but Taj and I decided to go shop. Went down to Spencer's and bought some posters and crap. Then at the front I noticed buttons. One of them said "Talk Nerdy to Me," and I had to have it. We started chatting with the cashiers and stuff just havin' a good old time. Haha I ran into a guy my friend wanted to set me up with. He was looking at me like I had three heads. Eh whatever.
So last night Taj says, "Hey Sandra..." "He-ey." "Talk nerdy to me." So in my sexy, husky voice, I say, "E=MC squared." "Ooh that's hot." "Hey Taj..." "Huh?" "Talk dirty to me." "Okay. Dust bunnies. Nasty mops. Old featherdusters." "Harder!!" "Soap scum!" "Oh...yeah...BABY!!" Then we bust up laughing so hard we cry. Good times.
Tess and I went to see "Saved!" earlier. Saw Tommy and one of his friends at the discount theatre. Sigh. He was like "Hey Sandra!!" and I looked, so it's not like I could ignore him. Oh well. His friend was kind of cute. No, I'm just kidding. I was just trying to sound happy. No one I have seen Tommy with is cute. But my cousin's friends are another story. *wink*
Anyway, had an amazing birthday. Amazingly dull, that is. Just trying to sound happy again. Went to Wally World (Wal-Mart) and got my Casio Exilim 4-megapixel 3x-zoom digital camera. Like announcing a royal, I swear. Can you believe it was a whole three dollars less than at Radio Shack? I can't! Once again, just trying to sound happy. It worked right out of the box. The battery comes fully charged, which is great! Then mom took me out for a birthday lunch at a Chinese place. Got sweet and sour chicken for a change of pace. It was good with the sauce. It was good when I brought it home and put it in the frigde. When it's hot, it's not so...ehm...hot. So good. So what?
The point of this post: I took some pics of me and various other things. I put them on a website, but right now you can only access the website if I email the album to you. Sigh. EZArchive sucks. If you want to leave me your email address or email me, you can. I've never put my pic up on the Web before. My email is cfender26@yahoo.com
I'll try to keep this short since I wanna catch all of Family Guy and Futurama tonight.
Vallejo concert last night. So much fun I cannot even express it. Marie, Tess, Tab, and a few more people I know. As soon as Tab's family got there... A girl who looks familiar says, "Hey Sandra." Me: Hi. Do I know you? Girl: I don't know, but I'm Tab's younger sister. Me: Oh hey. Nice to meet you. Girl: I've heard about you. Me (puzzled): Really? What have you heard? Girl: Oh just stuff. Well nice to meet you, too. Then she walked away.
Hmm....she's heard of me....I wonder why.
After the opener Mina Mauldin (whom Tess, Marie, and I met),Tab, his older sister, my friends, and I went to go play pool or do something inside. So we talked and chatted and drank. Until about ten minutes later when the unexpected happened... Tab's dad came in, put his hand on my back and said, "Hi. You must be Sandra." Once again, "Yes I am. Sorry, do I know you?" "Haha. Well this is my son Tab whom you know very well." Tab kind of buried his head in something with his friend. Talked to his dad for a bit, then his dad left. "Sorry to disturb you, ladies" he said. I asked Tab how his family knows me and I don't know some of them. He smiled and said, "How the hell would I know?"
Vallejo took the stage and my bitches and I flocked to the front of the stage. Tab's crew soon followed and then half the people at the Pier did the same. We danced... And we danced... And we lipsynched... And we sang along... And I took pictures of the band and our crowd.
We met up with the band after the concert. We talked, got pics, hung out, got autographs, and I hugged Omar (bass and vox like me) and Heath (guitars and vox.) Bought CDs, hung out some more, and then we all left in a big muddle. Muddle=posse, crowd, slew, et cetera.
The most fun I've ever had. It was perfect. I hugged him goodbye and something says not for the last time. Tomorrow is our birthday. That is really odd. My mom/aunt have the same, my dad and other aunt have the same, Tab and I have the same. It's just some weird thing in my family.
I am so confused. I don't know if I'm still in love with him. My heart was beating out of my core every time someone walked in. I was looking for him. I hadn't seen him in over a month and I needed to. I was so unbelievably sick of being back in the States until that night. He walked in with his family and my heart stopped. My eyes followed him to a table near where we were, but the rest of my body could not function. All I could do was stare at him like some enthralled child. I walked over, hugged his sister, gave her her Honduran thingy, then went over to him all cool and calm. I said something American like, "Hey dude" and then tossed him the hackey sack I bought for him.
Every little thing she does is magic and everything she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic, now I know my love for her goes on.-The Police "Every little thing she does is magic" Change the pronouns to masculine and you have how I feel for Tab, to some extent.
Well I'm home. I'm not happy about it, but I am home.
Got home on Monday. That was my dad's and my aunt's birthday, really odd. My dad and aunt have the same birthday, my mom and my other aunt have the same birthday (the one who lives with Hugh Hefner's cousin), and Tab and I have the same birthday. Odd....
Anyway, my uncle's friend at the airline was going to try to arrange it so I could stay a couple more days. It was almost a sure thing. But somehow, the remaining seats on the Friday flight got filled up. We were all sad, especially me and my younger cousin. However, they bumped me up to first class for free. Why? I don't know. Guilt?
Sigh. I miss everyone so much. It's like I have two existences, two homes, two families, two cultures, two groups of friends with two very different lifestyles. I'm closer to my Teguz friends, though geographically they are the ones farther away. They think more like I do. For example, if I told any of my Gringo friends about Tab, it’d be a scandal. Everyone would know, even people I didn’t know. My enemies would find out and taunt me about it until the sky opened up and God said, “Your forbidden love hath brought you here, Cassandra, and you should be ashamed” or some equally horrid phenomenon occurred. Whereas in Teguz, it’d be part of life. The people I was with would talk about those they loved and the people they dated. We’d go off on a tangent and talk for hours over some bread and a bottle of wine. It’d be fun. It’d be…perfect.
I suppose everything happens for a reason. Tab and I met by some miracle and he couldn’t have come at a better time. I learned a lot about myself from talking to him. Dating Jerry was a curse. He’s in jail now, so that proves my lack of judgment at the time. Harry broke my heart because he’s fickle. He got his just dessert, though. It happened right back to him and he didn’t even go out of state. He got cheated on and dumped right here at home. The only reason I even went out with Tommy is because I wanted to get over Harry. I might have liked him at one point if he weren’t so clingy. He kept telling me he wanted to marry me and when I didn’t say it back, he got offended. I told him I needed a break and then had his friends harass me trying to get me to say why. I never did because I knew it would get back to him. I played that game too many times in elementary school to lose it now.
The point: I went to Honduras to see my family. I came home with answers. I found out why I don’t fit in here: Hondurans are so much nicer, closer to those they love than Americans will ever be. Seriously. You greet someone with a kiss on the cheek down there and if you do that here, you get sued. I found out why my dad hit me growing up: my grandpa hit him and my great-grandpa hit my grandpa (they could run Honduras effectively but they couldn’t fairly punish their sons.) That doesn’t mean I forgive him for those bloody Christmases or those bitter Thanksgivings and I know he didn’t do it because he loved me. People like me don’t get loved back or our prayers answered; we get heartbroken and our worlds shattered. And as fate would have it, we’re the ones that thrive on love and need it to carry on when all is as it is.
My birthday is in five days. My glowsticks for my sexy party came in yesterday. I activated a couple at around noonish and they just died around four this morning. Sweet. Mom and I went to Bass Emporium yesterday to look at a new bass and possibly a new amp. Tried a couple. I noticed a retro eight string. Used! Mint condition! Only $300! Silver glitter. The bassist from a band called The Eggmen owned it and gave it up. It’s gonna be my birthday present. Then the most amazing electric instrument ever to grace the music market appeared in my periphery…
A Hofner Beatle Bass.
He let me play it! It was so light, but such a sound! Like a double bass! Made in a German orchestra instrument shop and then modified. Oh such a sound. Such a feeling. Such a beauty. $2000, but I’ll come back for it someday.
Well Tess and I are going to see Spiderman 2 for the third time. Better go get ready. Till then…
My first post from a foreign country. Be glad. Be very glad.
I got here a week ago tomorrow and I leave on Monday. I kind of want to stay a bit longer, though. Been havin' some fun that you just can't get in the States. IE-driving round in a very hilly city with crap roads, liquor shops open as late as you need them (and the age limit isn't enforced from what I hear), getting a tad on the drunk side from imported Austrian beer, learning hilarious Spanish insults, going to huge parties with your family, getting drunk with your family, meeting extremely good-looking guys (and here you greet someone by kissing their cheek.) Ahh. The view is breathtaking. I am going to cry my heart out when I get home.
Hmm...the best times were when my cousins, aunt, and uncle went to a family party (drank some really strong wine, hee hee), I met a cousin (I think that's what he is...), and he came to stay here for a couple days. The first night he was here, my older girl cousin, he, and I played cards and drank some wine whilst they tried to teach me Spanish insults and profanity. "I don't care"="Peel my dick" "Something went wrong"="They raped me" Just examples. Oh and insteadof saying, "Oh fiddles. Rotten end to a rotten day, I suppose" they say "PUNTA!" Punta=fusck, wh0re, any insult to do with sex.
Anyway, the next day some more of her friends came over. We went to one of their houses for a little bit and I got to know them. HAAAH. They all thought I was the older sister of my older sister. My cousin said "This is the other girl's sister" so they thought I was the older one cos I am taller and *ahem* bigger. Guy couson thought oneof the guys liked me. He had been saying that about random guys checking me out on the streets, too, so I just blew it off. The guys here whistle and check out anything that walks and has tits. We went to go get wine (SORPRESA! SURPRISE!) and on the way we almost got killed. This pendejo (a-hole) was going like 90 MPH and changed lanes as soon as we did. Riiiight behind us, too. Deh. Blah blah,went home, talked, drank wine, ate bread, one of them played guitar, we all sang along, stayed up till four when they left, nothing unusual. More details later.
Love C-Fef.
PS- One of them was pretty cute. Like he met all my ridiculous good-looking criteria (skinnyish, long, clean hair, yada.) Oh yeah and we all like the same music and stuff. Schweet.
One year ago he died. I feel exactly the same as I did last year. The only difference? What I did and what I wore today. All the feelings came back. I was so sad that I'd never have a grandpa again, so sad that I wouldn't get to see Tab, sad that I was leaving for Chicago, sad because it's hard to lose someone you love. And I still will never have a grandpa again. I don't see Tab very much (and when someone is that special to you and you rarely see them, it's earthshattering.) On Thursday, I leave the country for ten days and might not be in contact with anyone unless my cousin lets me use her computer.
Some people are never meant to be happy.
"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great... you have no power over me." -Labyrinth
